I knew Watchmen was going to suck...

...But I had no idea it would suck so much!

Wow, it's just a phenomenally bad movie in just about every aspect. Let's look at some of the ways it sucks:

1. Zach Snyder is a hack. That's not much of a surprise, considering he also made the awful 300 and the OK but unnecessary Dawn of the Dead remake. Watching the film, it's a clear case of someone who got the surface of the story, but none of the depth. And a note to all filmmakers: Enough of the slow motion already! Like 300, the film could have been a half hour shorter if all the slow mo and annoying Matrix-style shots were gone.

2. The structure doesn't make a good film. Watchmen was published as a 12-issue comic book, and writer Alan Moore used that structure to good effect, telling the early part of the story as interlocking short stories before bringing all of the elements together. All of that dense backstory either gets lost or, when introduced, slows the proceedings down to a crawl. It may have worked as a TV series, except...

3. The comic book nature doesn't make a good film, either. Comics are a visual medium, but they exist in a very different storytelling realm that films. Dave Gibbons deliberate, nine-panels -a-page art style makes for plenty of arresting visuals, many of which are captured here. But what's arresting on the page ends up being flat on film, as if the actors are just posing for pictures as opposed to, you know, acting.

4. It also looks very silly. Pulling off costumed super heroes on film is tough -- Christopher Nolan, Sam Raimi and Tim Burton have done it, many others have failed. Again, it's a case where the visual language of comics doesn't make the transition -- or translation -- to cinema. The crystal-clear digital look only hinders matters.

5. The script is... man, is it awful. Watchmen works as character studies while knowingly poking at 50 years of super hero comics. It really isn't meant as a treatise on mid-1980s nuclear politics. So, of course, all of the nuclear fear is pushed to the foreground. Not only does it shift the focus away from the characters, but it makes the twists of the plot screamingly clear. Really, the bad guy should just wear a sign that says "I Am Really Evil."

6. The acting is no better. God, I don't even want to think about the acting again. Acting in a rubber suit or as a digital effect can test a performer, but a group of "professionals" really should do better than this.

The only saving grace? At least I didn't buy it -- thank you Netflix.